Sunday, February 10, 2013

And the Grammy goes to...



If the First 18 Years of My Life Were the Grammys

Who cares, right?  I know, I know, we've all got these lists in our head.  But with the Grammys on tonight, football season over and my daughter now playing music that I have never heard of in my  life (who exactly is FUN?) I figured, "Why not?".   I created this list - mostly for my kids - so they would know what music was like when it was good (sorry Kelly Clarkson and pugilistic-wanna-be Chris Brown).  These songs are not about best, biggest or baddest, they are simply the soundtrack to my childhood.  So without further adieu...

1. "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" - James Brown 

My dad worked with James Brown.  Hustling his music to radio stations up and down the east coast.  He once told me that James Brown told him, "George, what does radio need with my music?  They already have Chubby Checker." Point being that the greatest performer of all time even doubted himself at one time. The first song I ever heard my father sing along to on the radio.

 2. NIGHT MOVES - Bob Seger

The first song I remember singing along to (in my mind).  My dad loved Bob Seger's music and once said (as complimentary as he could be) that he was surprised when he learned Bob Seger was white.  

3. GOT YOU UNDER MY WHEELS - Alice Cooper

First album I listened to beginning to end.  A childhood friend played it for me on his old turntable.  After listening to the album, we went out and threw rocks at cars on the highway.  We got caught and beat silly by our dads.  No one was singing.

 
4. SHOUT IT OUT LOUD - KISS

I hate cats but I LOVE $$$
The first group that I could officially say was "all mine".  I noticed their Destroyer in my dad's record store, incorrectly figured out which named matched up with which character (I thought Gene was Ace and Ace was Gene because Ace was a "cool" name and Gene sounded dorky).  

I continued a twenty-year love affair (& Kiss Army membership) until realizing KISS cared more about their merchandise sales than their music.

5. LET'S GO - THE CARS

Boston band, The Cars provided the backdrop to my first attempts at drinking and driving (on my bike). I would drive to the other side of town with a small transistor radio taped to the handlebars of my bike.  After a few beers, I would drive back - this song usually playing at night.  That little transistor radio served me well, until one drunken night, it, my bike and I all crashed into a telephone pole.







6. JAMIE'S CRYING - VAN HALEN
My first "make-out" session took place at the 8th hole of a private golf course.  We never spoke again.   I wasn't crying - it was allergies.


7. DO I - J. Geils Band

The only J. Geils concert I ever saw was because a certain girl I knew was going as well.  That night, I lifted her high onto my shoulders as Peter Wolf sang this song.  A few months later, I lost my virginity to the very same girl.  Many years later, I have developed lower back problems, like J. Geils and my virginity, I have to say it is because of that girl.

8. SHE'S GONE - Hall & Oates 

What's ironic about this song of lost love is that I had yet to acquire any love yet to lose.  Still the boys dubbed as Philly's "Blue-eyed soul" provided songs that transitioned me from my teens to my early twenties.

9. ROSANNA - TOTO

Just as clumsy and awkward as my first relationship, Toto's first turn as pop balladeers (instead of their former less successful attempt at Pop Power Band) made them lots of money and showed them how to have a modicum of success despite the imminent danger to your self-respect.  The same formula I used for most of my relationships.
10. THEN, with most of my teen years behind me, I entered college, started listening to a little musical genius named Prince and set myself up for a very exciting next decade.

It would be a good ten years...

"Hi, I'm going to be your new roommate."
















Saturday, February 9, 2013


Hyman Roth was spittin' the truth...




"THIS IS THE BUSINESS WE CHOSE..." Movie stars, ballplayers... cheerleaders... if you don't want to be judged in the private eye - don't bother to try to stand in it, please. 

Case in point:  Kaitlyn Collins; former Green Bay Packers cheerleader - a seemingly nice attractive young lady who "defended" herself when a posted public photo of her was commented on by some Chicago Bears fans that called her "ugly"and other vile comments.  Kaitlyn.... Come on, really?

You chose to make a living by dancing in front of 60 thousand drunken Lambeau fans who paint their naked chests in weather that kills most living things - please! 

I can't say how much it bothers me when public figures complain about their lack of privacy.   Some arrogant overpaid ballplayer complains about how he has to answer to the press about why he's drinking beers and playing video games in the in the locker (see John Lackey) while his team is struggling to win a game just irritates the hell out of me.

The talent ladder you use to climb up to your dreams is the same ladder they will beat you over the head with later.  (Beauty, humor, physical prowess, talent, aggression)  Look at Ray Lewis,  poor guy says he's going to retire, praises Jesus and then we find a little deer blood on his elbow or whatever and everyone wants to know where the bloody white suit is...


Why do we all want the spotlight as long as it's rays are basking us in warmth but a little glare and we all want to go a little,  Michael Hutchence (who by the way suffered the worst public degradation which thankfully, he never lived to see).


Take solace in the fact that you Made It, Kaitlyn.  

You reached your dream job.  The fact that some drunken slobs on a Chicago Bears website are calling you names is a small price to pay for your dreams.   You will never have to deal with these people unless your next job takes you underneath a rock.   Pay it no mind.  But remember,  someday when your daughter tells you she wants to be a cheerleader,  tell her to go study her science books.

Talent always fades.  Jealousy stays young forever.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Ode to all who smoke...


My cousin is a smoker.  Smoker with a capital "S".   He just underwent by-pass surgery at a very young age.  It was FIVE by-passes... what is that quintuplet?  whatever it is it's very rare...  For the last two weeks leading up to the surgery, our family was on pins&needles - "would he be okay?  What was going to happen?" we all wondered.

Happy to say surgery went well.  He's recovering and we're all praying that this life-threat will get him to finally quit smoking.

I used to smoke - the worst kind - a "social" smoker.

"I'm really such an ass..."
 I only smoke when I drank.... in another words I was an asshole.  Seven years ago, I quit drinking and the smoking went with it.  I can only thank God that my three beautiful children never saw or know that their father once was so stupid to smoke.

I smoked because it was cool  It really was:  the addiction, the need, the rebellion and Jesus, did it make a beer taste better.  But these days I'm so much more cowardly than I used to be and I just want to live  - live as long as I can.  So when I see people smoking, I want to tell them, "Don't", I want to give them a hug and say, "I get it", I want to punch them in the freaking mouth and tell them, "Grow the F%$ck up!" But most of all, I want to tell them, "Get ready, because you are going to suffer horribly and regret this moment along with all the others you took Death's dick into your mouth... Oh, and your clothes smell really GROSS...."



A friend of mine still smokes - cigars.   I've tried to tell he to stop.   She laughs it off.  She nods knowingly.  She laments her addiction.  But she KEEPS smoking and if she lives long enough, it's going to kill her.  This morning, I wrote a poem for her - and for all smokers.  I hope you like it.

"I don't need to smoke to look like an asshole"
 SMOKE

If smokes were dicks you'd be considered a whore
But they're not so you smoke more and more.
Death shooting it's load like a cloud of smoke.
You deep throat his dick and laugh at those jokes.
Til one day - too late - and you can't turn back
Death busted his nut and it's on the attack.
Cough. Cough. Spit. Spit.
Blood is in your lungs.
Doctor's grim non-smiling face
Knowing your painful death has come.
Suffering ride awaits you now
ticket has been paid.
Cigarettes are laughing now
Another smoker laid.
Wish you didn't date this guy
But bitch you all get played.


Alan Aymie is a writer, teacher and performer.   His most recent play, A CHILD LEFT BEHIND played in Los Angeles for the last eight months and was selected as one of the top five solo productions in LA.