I don't like to fly...  

On trips back east, my wife and children sit at least three rows away from me so they won't have to watch me squirm and whimper as the plane takes off... 

WHEN HBO TOLD ME THEY HAD SELECTED MY SHOW, CHILD'S PLAY for their U.S. Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, Colorado - I was thrilled - then terrified.  How would I get out to Aspen?   

THANK GOD, the HBO people were kind enough (after expressing mild shock) to set me up with a train - to Aspen.....over 26 hours in a sleeper car, just under 6-hours in a white-knuckled van ride 7,900 feet up a snowy, slippery road that let to the top of the Aspen mountains where I performed, drank $9 dollar Coors Lites and stepped on George Lucas's foot while dancing at the big Closing Party Event.  

ON THE WAY HOME, I had a stopover at the Denver Ramada Inn before taking the train back to LA the next morning.   After finally settling in, I walked through downtown Denver, showered, watched Britney Spears on MTV and jumped into bed for a nights sleep before my 5 am wake-up call to catch the train back the next morning.  

AROUND 2 AM, I heard a grown man crying for help as he was being slammed outside in the hallways - (the walls are VERY thin at the Ramada), I called the front desk, they assured me they would take care of it and I went back to bed.  

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER, I was awoken by four Denver policemen who kicked in my door, held me (naked - I seep in the buff) at gunpoint, while they checked my room for drugs and weapons.  Finding nothing but my suitcase, toiletries bags & three hundred unused balloons (imprinted with my show logo).    

AFTER THEY PUT AWAY THEIR GUNS, they apologized, politely held in their snickers at my fear-shrivelled manhood and left.  I, in turn, put on clothes, yelled at the front desk and checked out before waiting outside the Amtrak Station for my 5 am train.  

I, NO LONGER, SLEEP IN THE NUDE, take trains or watch Britney Spears...