5 Reasons why the Wii is the Devil

In BROADCAST NEWS, Albert Brooks warns Holly Hunter that the Devil will come to Earth, not dressed in a red cape and pitchfork but rather looking a lot like William Hurt.... I think he got it wrong.

"You will kneel before me!!"

I have seen the devil close up and he has neither a red cape nor any resemblance to William Hurt. The Devil is... The Wii.

For those people without kids or TV's, the Wii is a home video game console released by Nintendo on November 19, 2006. Since 2008, the Wii has sold over 10.8 million units.

Now, I'm not knowledgable enough about all video games to include other ones so, if you use a different system - translate the following to your own video game choice as you might for a your particular religion. But the following is why I truly believe the Wii is The Devil incarnate. The Bible gives us this information about the devil before his fall:

1. He was named Lucifer, which means "star of the morning".

My kids get up at 5:30 am to plop their dark-circled eyes in front of the living room TV where they can fight KAOS on their game Skylanders. It doesn't matter what time they went to bed, whether it's light or dark outside or how loud their father is screaming at them to, "Go back to bed!!". They obediently serve their master as soon as their bodies start to stir.

2. He had a high-ranking position in the angelic host.

We only have two TV's in our house - that's it. My wife has kept a strict limit on the number of idiot boxes in our house and the biggest one is now hooked up to the Wii which means morning, noon and night, their is a holy battle for who gets the big TV and who is sent into the bedroom desert for 40 days and nights to watch the 13". Don't even talk to me about football on Sunday - it's sacrilegious.

3. He had exquisite beauty and great wisdom.  

At only 44 mm, the Wii is small, streamlined and I have to admit, looks pretty good sitting right next to our TV. We have a red one which further supports my theory although the white one is just as evil. But this is not your father's pinball machine. This thing just plain looks good. And smart? The Wii Fit can tell you how much you weigh, how good your balance is and how old you REALLY are.... The thing is so smart that when I step on it to exercise, the Avatar trainer lets out a little "Oooommph" to passively-aggressively let me know I'm a fat load.

4. He was given a position of great power and influence.

10.8 million households have the Wii. Children are led to eat their vegetables, go to bed, and silence their cries all at the threat of losing contact with their great God. I can make my children hold lit matches in their small little palms if I tell them it will get them an extra ten minutes in front of their glowing God.

5. He was called "the Guardian Cherub"

And this one is my fault. This is where I, too, have kneeled at the throne of Beelzebub, himself. When I want them to leave me alone, when I want some (short-lived) quiet in the house, basically when I need a "Guardian Cherub" I call upon the mystical powers of the almighty Wii. I summon him to life, place my kids in harms way.

Now all of this would not be so bad if I were not under the demon's spell myself.  If I were stronger, I would just bite the bullet, take the $250 hit and toss that crap in the garbage BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE IT HAS MY SOUL, TOO.

I will spend hours staring at my sexy trainer on Wii Fit as she whispers, "Looks like you'll need to develop more strength for this exercise..."

"Love me...."

 Or dance to Daisy Fuentes as she teases and taunts me into shape....

"I see your joystick..."

Or just fight Darth Vader for a few hours before bed when I need to know I can still kick butt when I need to... There's just too much to do and see to fight it's evil powers over me....

The devil once took Jesus up to the top of a large mountain, showed him the expansive landscape before him and said, "All of these things, I give to you..." As of November 2011, the Wii currently offers children (and their parents) a choice of 1220 different games to play.  Anything you can do in the real world can be do in front of your TV screen.

The Bible says that God told the devil: "You were the model of perfection, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty.... So I threw you to earth; I made a spectacle of you before kings" (Ezekiel 28:12–17 NIV).

That is the power of the Wii.

I will keep fighting but the battle is destined to be lost....  The new Wii U was released just in time for Christmas this year and comes in six designer colors....

Alan Aymie is a boston-born writer, teacher & performer.  His current critically acclaimed play, "A Child Left Behind" takes a honest look at public education and the LA Times highly-controversial "Value-added" grading system.