5 steps the Lakers MUST take to win again

First off, let me say that I don't like the Lakers.

Born and raised in Boston - my basketball joy comes from seeing the Celtics raise the Larry O'Brien Trophy amidst a sea of raucous Bostonians as LA's finest (which the Clippers might debate) slink off the court in complete despair and dejection.

Garnett screaming, "I'm on top of the world, Ma!" while  Kobe bite his tongue before answering another question about the lack of chemistry should be enjoyable but it's not.

Boston fans need the Lakers to be good.

It's like Samuel Jackson in UNBREAKABLE, "Now that we know who you are, I know who I am"

"I will trade you fourteen comics and a wheelchair for Dwight Howard"

The Celtics need a good villain and there is no better villain than the Lakers - although Ray Allen and the Heat are close.

"I never had court-side seats!"

Can you imagine how bad the Dark Knight would be if Cesar Romero were still around?  

Heath Ledger MADE the Dark Knight.  

Boston fans need the Heath Ledger Lakers not the Cesar Romero version and that being said, I propose:

  5 WAYS TO REBUILD THE LAKERS :

1. SEND UP THE WHITE FLAG.

This season is over.  Admit it.  Get rid of those Championship flags to put on your car antennas and put this season to rest.  Once the Red Sox finally admitted the Bobby V experiment was a failure, they made some trades and set themselves up for the next year in a way they could never have done if they had kept holding on to the fantasy.

2.  TAKE JIMMY BUSS TO THE WOOD SHED

Every boy wants to prove he's his own man - but the Lakers are Jerry Buss' franchise and he has to give his son a big spank on the bottom and take the reigns back.  Little Jimmy has been trying to prove this are HIS Lakers and as we all know when any teenager tries to be independent - things get ugly.

3.  TRADE HOWARD FOR A POINT GUARD

He's a great center.  The dreams of a Kobe/Howard dynasty were certainly wonderful for Lakers fans to think about but this is a one-man show.  Kobe doesn't share.  He is the NBA equivalent of the Lone Ranger.  Even Shaq had to go and there's never been another player to even come close to riding shotgun.  Trade Howard for a couple of good Tontos and let Kobe run the show.  This is not a centers league anymore.  If Steve Nash came to LA with a portable time machine then maybe he could have helped but Steve Nash couldn't guard my four-year old son.

4. FIRE THE COACH - REDUX pt. 2

Mike D'Antoni is a good coach.  Mike Brown is a good coach.  They are not Lakers coaches - at least not Lakers coaches right now.  Remember Doc Rivers had a lot of haters when he first started coaching.  Even the great Bill Simmons didn't like Doc's rotation of players, and people thought he was not developing the younger guys THEN came the trade for the Big 3 and everything changed.

Who knows what would have happened if Doc had stepped into all that expectation and anticipatory fan base right off the bat?  He - relatively speaking - had it easy.  The Celtics sucked, everyone knew they were going nowhere and expectations were low.

Mike & Mike stepped into a hungry juggernaut of expectations - this cavernous hole of need, dreamy expectations of Lakers Domination & a burning desire to completely erase the failures from the past two early round playoff exits proved to be too much for either man.

With the raising of the white flag, the Lakers should go ahead and hire Bernie Bickerstaff as the interim coach for the rest of the season.  The Lakers were 4-1 with him.  The expectations will be low, Bickerstaff won't threaten anyone and he  certainly won't try to impose any SYSTEM onto the Lakers - things can only get better and then the Lakers can conduct their coaching search in a low-key manner which brings me to step number five....

5. GET JEANIE BUSS & PHIL JACKSON THE SHAKESPEARE CLIFF NOTES

The Lakers need Phil.  Phil doesn't need the Lakers but everyone knows he wants them.  Jim Buss knows all of this and like Edmund in King Lear, he has tricked his foolish father into taking over the Kingdom.

Phil must use all of his natural guile and skill to right the ship and take back the reigns of the throne by marrying Jeanie Buss.  Once their union is official, then Phil can replace Jim, exile him to the Toronto Raptors and the new Los Angeles  Power Couple can reign supreme.

"Do you know the Triangle Offense?"

Of course, this will only last until the guilt of exiling her stupid brother weighs too heavily on Jeanie Buss and she rides Phil's motorcycle rides off into the sunset with a PHISH groupie where they will spend the rest of their days in a Zen monastery leaving Phil alone with only an aging Kobe.

All the while, Doc Rivers tries to raise a formidable army to attack the Western kingdom and restore order to the NBA.   Unfortunately, the Celtics are more like a Shakespearean Comedy of Errors right now and will need more help than just a Danish Army.

"It's sort of like I got it but I need a confirmation..." - Dwight Howard

Who knows, maybe they can get Howard on the cheap?